Today I have FINALLY come to realise that there is no hiding from chronic pain. By golly I’ve tried so hard to retain my ‘normal’ active life; but my body is telling me enough is enough.
This weekend I was supposed to be singing in two concerts and do two singing workshops. I was excited because it was going to be my 1st concert without crutches, but then my body told me it had other plans and I came down with a throat infection. This morning my body was feeling achy and my throat feels like it has razors so singing today wasn’t an option. Instead I slept in, rested and bought a new bed which is something I’ve been meaning to do for ages but never made time. While walking slowly home I realised that it was probably good I didn’t sing today as I’ve been feeling so tired over the last month and I really did need to rest. Then when I got home I got a copy of the report from my pain assessment at the hospital which felt like a slap of reality and definitely confirmed that resting was a good idea.
“It may be that her body is trying to tell her that she cannot physically do all the things that she used to be able to do and so she will have to decide what things are important and worth pursuing and what things she will have to be left”.
Not great english, but we get the picture. Given I’ve spent the last month feeling exhausted, spent 2 months recovering from a tummy bug and my pain levels are creeping up… my body is shouting out from some TLC. I really need to take a hard look at my current lifestyle and look after myself better. I am suffering because I am not making yoga or sleep a priority.
The upshot of the pain assessment was that I am doing well but need help coping with managing the pain both emotionally and practically. I need a more balanced approach to pain management and need help with pacing. The good news is they were impressed with the work I did in India (4 weeks of yoga therapy) and agree with my approach to reduce the medications. I am on a waiting list to get in with a pain psychologist which I know will be useful even though it doesn’t make me feel great .
Tonight I’ve had a wee cry (as you do after being slapped in the face with a dose of reality), have finished feeling sorry for myself and now I am moving onwards and upwards. I realise I need a means to vent my frustration and thoughts as I come to terms with the fact that I am likely going to have to live with this pain for a long time. I’ve put off starting a blog for 2 years because I thought my hip injury would be well and truly sorted by now. Its funny, I thought it’d be a bad thing to write down what was happening to me… I guess that was my way of running away from the pain and its effects on my life. I think I thought that perhaps writing about the pain might make it stick. In reality though, I think (hope) I write about the pain perhaps I will find some freedom from the suffering it causes.