Battling with my ego and hiring crutches

Over the last 2 (nearly 3) years I’ve spent quite a bit of time on crutches, yet for some reason I have a real mental block when it comes to using crutches if I haven’t been told to use them by a doctor.   I’ve had to hire crutches several times in the past to allow me to perform in concerts and to manage flare ups, each time I question myself… do I really need crutches? Am I being over dramatic? What will people think? Why do I care what people think? Does this mean I am disabled? Why is my hip so sore? Is it always going to hurt like this?  Do I really need crutches?

You get the picture.

Last week, I over did it by walking too far.   I was in a rotten mood and really felt like going to a spin class, doing boxing or even going for a run.  None of these are an option for me, so I decided to walk home from town.   My walking threshold is about 15-20mins.  I pushed at the edge of my abilities and walked for 45-50mins (with a rest in the middle).   I flared up the hip pain by walking then made it worse by going to a yoga class.   The pain levels were higher than usual, I could feel my joint was a bit swollen and my leg was colder to touch than the other one.  This freaked me out somewhat because last time I had a flareup like this I ended up in hospital and on bed-rest for a month!

So I knew I needed crutches but I really had to battle with myself to go and hire them.  And when I was using them, I noticed my head was down and I wasn’t making eye contact with people like I usually do.  What is with that?

The crutches made a huge difference and I was able to quickly wean myself off the strong meds.  I only used them for 5 days but in that time I actually had windows of time when the pain wasn’t so bad.  It feels like my joint got a little breather and calmed down a little.   Unfortunately since I stopped using them my pain has gradually crept back up to a constantly high level.

Today my hip locked up after walking around the city, it was extremely painful and I am resting in bed because of it.   This time I am not thinking about hiring crutches, I am thinking about buying them.   The prospect of buying crutches brings tears to my eyes.