Faking Feeling Good!

Today I was late for work becuase I got hardly any sleep last night and I’m exhausted from the pain, the treatments, the medications and the frustration of not being able to be active as I’d like.   So in an effort to “fake it until I make it” I wore this t-shirt:

 

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Battling with my ego and hiring crutches

Over the last 2 (nearly 3) years I’ve spent quite a bit of time on crutches, yet for some reason I have a real mental block when it comes to using crutches if I haven’t been told to use them by a doctor.   I’ve had to hire crutches several times in the past to allow me to perform in concerts and to manage flare ups, each time I question myself… do I really need crutches? Am I being over dramatic? What will people think? Why do I care what people think? Does this mean I am disabled? Why is my hip so sore? Is it always going to hurt like this?  Do I really need crutches?

You get the picture.

Last week, I over did it by walking too far.   I was in a rotten mood and really felt like going to a spin class, doing boxing or even going for a run.  None of these are an option for me, so I decided to walk home from town.   My walking threshold is about 15-20mins.  I pushed at the edge of my abilities and walked for 45-50mins (with a rest in the middle).   I flared up the hip pain by walking then made it worse by going to a yoga class.   The pain levels were higher than usual, I could feel my joint was a bit swollen and my leg was colder to touch than the other one.  This freaked me out somewhat because last time I had a flareup like this I ended up in hospital and on bed-rest for a month!

So I knew I needed crutches but I really had to battle with myself to go and hire them.  And when I was using them, I noticed my head was down and I wasn’t making eye contact with people like I usually do.  What is with that?

The crutches made a huge difference and I was able to quickly wean myself off the strong meds.  I only used them for 5 days but in that time I actually had windows of time when the pain wasn’t so bad.  It feels like my joint got a little breather and calmed down a little.   Unfortunately since I stopped using them my pain has gradually crept back up to a constantly high level.

Today my hip locked up after walking around the city, it was extremely painful and I am resting in bed because of it.   This time I am not thinking about hiring crutches, I am thinking about buying them.   The prospect of buying crutches brings tears to my eyes.