It’s 12.30am and I’m tired and sore. I’ve had a tiring and emotional week and the brave face just cracked. I’ve spent the last 20mins sobbing and now my face will be puffy tomorrow. I’m so tired of this.
It’s so hard to stay positive and being on crutches leads to so many questions and conversations about my hip. I can’t even get in a taxi or order a sandwich without people asking what happened. It’s too hard to explain so I just say I hurt my hip at the gym. I get funny looks and joke about it being an uncool granny injury. I get looks when I walk down the street, but at least people offer me a seat on the bus and open doors for me.
I couldn’t go to a work party on Thursday as it was going to be too painful standing around even using the crutch. Today everyone was buzzing about the band and how much fun they had. Even if I did go, I can’t dance and I am choosing not to drink because of my meds. I would have been sitting at the edge of the room (uncomfortably), watching drunk people dance and spent the evening explaining why I’m on crutches.
Today I had my cortisone shot and had a brief window of being pain free for 2 hours. The gift of being able to move freely was almost not worth it. When the pain came back, slightly worse than normal I felt like shit. The good news is that it’s confirmation the pain is coming from the joint. But kind of redundant as I knew that anyway! I know my body fairly well now.
A few hours after the cortisone shot I went to a party at my yoga teachers new studio. I went because she’s been amazing support for me over the years and I knew there would be lovely people and some chanting. I find singing, esp chanting is very healing. 30mins into the chanting the pain was very distracting. Afterwards because of the obvious pain, I had many questions and conversations about the hip. I also had conversations about the yoga. I think that’s why I’m so upset, I miss the physical yoga practice so much. I’m trying to accept this is the way things are, for now. But it’s so hard. I cant help but feel jealous of other people. I want to dance, walk, do yoga, go rock climbing and rollerblading. I want to go back to the gym and do kickboxing and spin.
Ha ha… No wonder my hip pain won’t let up. I wouldn’t trust me either! Have I mentioned yet how rubbish I am at pacing myself?
I feel exhausted from staying positive. I always feel I have to put on a brave face. I often field well meaning opinions on my condition and suggestions on what to do next. It’s well intentioned and I know people are just trying to help, but my current pain management program is probably a bit too full. One step at a time.
The other thing is this pain is my life at the moment, I don’t do much but manage it. It’s turning me into a boring person. There isn’t actually much else to talk about. It’s time to get some new hobbies so this week I’ve started singing lessons! Im also going to do a Spanish cooking class on Sunday.
I am not going to let this beat me.
I KNOW now there are so many people living silently in pain. People tell me their pain stories all the time. So I know I’m not alone in this and it breaks my heart.
This is a fairly personal and emotional post. But I feel the need to write about it as a way to try and process and let go.
After a big cry and a vent I feel so much better. Tomorrow I will put the brave face back on and focus on the rehabilitation. I suspect I’ll be a little sore for a day or two then the cortisone should kick in. Just in time for my first session with the physio on Monday.
For anyone else reading this who is in chronic pain, please make sure you let the brave face drop every now and then. It’s a nice release to have a cry and acknowledge the emotional pain. Remember we are human, we aren’t perfect and our bodies aren’t always reliable. But it’s ok. And it’s ok to have a hissy fit and a big cry if you need to!