Another fun night in the office of pain!

I am so embarrassed. Because I over did it today, I’ve ended up in horrific pain (again) and I’m too scared to sleep (again). Because I have no one to call for advice (I’ve worn everyone out), I’ve had to call Healthline. Twice.

First time they told me to rest, relax and if it gets worse call back. I decided to go to choir (in hindsight a silly decision), hung out with my flatmates (trying to be sociable), had a shower to warm up (too cold) then got ready for bed. For reasons I won’t go into, I was too scared and in too much pain to take a sleeping tablet. I knew I would have been fine, but some doctor today told me to be cautious.

Once again I’m in too much pain to make decisions for myself.

My biggest problems are the hip/leg pain (obviously), gastro issues (worse at night), insomnia caused by pain and then that horrible feeling of exhaustion. I’m struggling to breath but no one seems to be concerned. I am a singer.. I had a great set of lungs.

Jeeeze….. when the fuck will I learn how to cope properly with this godamn pain? I thought I was coping, then this “episode” happened.

Anyway… The ambulance folk were brilliant, quickly calmed me down and established the best thing to do is take a sleeping tablet and sleep. They helped me get to my bed and I’m almost feeling calm enough to sleep.

Thank god. I really cant handle going into hospital again!! If only the Healthline nurses were able to make that decision for me when I called.

I’ve learnt (the hard way) that you have to know how the medical system works… I’m still baffled, but I’m learning.

I need to face my fears (of the medical system and the hospital)… I feel like a fool. I’m still in way too much pain to sleep. Waiting for ice to numb my leg so I can take the tablet and sleep. I have been told to call the GP tomorrow. If I can’t cope I’ve been told to get a taxi to the emergency room.

I’m back down to hours…. I’ll wait until 9am before I call the GP. I can do another 24hrs of coping on Panadol.

Everyone is doing the best they can. It’s just too slow.

Rescue Remedy

I’m back at the hospital again, two outpatient appointments and a wee trip to the ortho ward to drop off a thank you present. Going to the hospital is stressful for anyone, my little life saver is a bottle of rescue remedy my sister recommended. I don’t know if it does anything but what have I got too lose?!?

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A trip to Scorching Bay

I’ve been trying hard over the last two weeks to maintain some sense of normality, easier said than done…but totally work the effort. Luckier the healthier I get, the easier it becomes.

Yesterday was a stunning afternoon so my friend, her beautiful baby girl and I went for a drive around the coast. We stopped off at Scorching Bay for lunch at a beachfront cafe. I loved it.. Fresh salty air, sunshine, the sea, nice people good food… Bliss. The staff were brilliant, they even offered a big seal soft toy for me to sit on!

Here are some photos..

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Time for tears

I had a feeling this week would be tough. It’s been a rough Monday and I’m very glad I decided to stay in my PJs. So far today I’ve lined up a meeting with my ACC case manager (tomorrow), my boss (next week) and staggered all my hospital/medical appointments.

I had just received an email from work when the hospital called; finally the tears started flowing.

I’ve always been one to put on a brave face and smile. I would much rather laugh than cry! But it’s an important release to cry and it’s ok for me to be sad about leaving my old life behind. It’s nearly spring here in New Zealand, a perfect time for new beginnings. The time has come to break the destructive cycle of chronic hip pain and enjoy some time to myself needed for healing. It will be ok. I’ve just got to keep taking it ONE DAY at a time.

From Paul Wilson’s little book of calm:

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Falling off the corporate ladder

I was lying in bed trying to decide if I should get dressed or stay in my PJs all day. I had to laugh…. this is likely to be the hardest decision I make all day!

My job as a Business Analyst requires me to think on my feet, facilitate decision making and make well considered recommendations to the business. The decisions I make at work has a big impact on the success of the project, they also impact the people who use the software being developed.

By golly it’s been a brutal fall off the corporate ladder! I feel like I am dusting myself off and looking very confused. The fall has hurt me, but it is not so bad down here on the ground. I can feel the earth under my feet, the sun on my face, I can smell the grass and see the flowers. It’s much better than sitting in a stuffy office all day!!

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Detox Tea

The detox of medications from my system is finally starting to ease off and my body is trying to find its natural rhythm. This is why my priority this week is for routine, rest and relaxation.

I’ve still go a way to go but it will be totally worth it. Being on strong pain killers long term was not at all sustainable. With a bit of luck, the specialists will work out what is actually wrong with my hip and help me get my life back. In the meantime… I am eating as healthy as possible. Lots of fresh fruit and veg, organic eggs, fish, almond milk, porridge and rice. Yesterday I stocked up on my favourite wheat free bread which is locally produced. Yum.

Not so yum…. Detox tea:

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